That Cooper Magic
by jetplanejane
Summary: In which Cooper tries to pay Charlotte a compliment that doesn't necessarily charm the pants, mean or otherwise, off her. Alternate canon CharCoop spin on episode 1x03.


Charlotte King pulls a face as Cooper steps off the elevator in his pretty-winged, plastic tiara getup, fresh from storming a hedge and huffing ammonium nitrate fumes with three princesses. "A little early for Halloween," she remarks. "What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?"

"I'm your friendly neighborhood fairy godmother." Cooper waves his wand. "What brings you to Oceanside? Lose a glass slipper?"

Dell sporfles behind a patient's file until Charlotte's stabbity look shuts him up. "And here I thought you were going to compare me to one of the ugly step-sisters."

"I'd never do that. You're way too attractive for..." Hmm. Wait. Cooper's brain catches up with his mouth and he frowns. "Did I just…?"

"Yup, you just complimented Dr. King," Dell whispers, like giving a heads-up, even though Charlotte's standing _right_ there, glaring at the two of them like she's the butt of another Oceanside Wellness joke.

Time to back-peddle. "Okay, when I say 'attractive', I mean that in a totally non-weird, _non_-sexual way. Of course." He looks to the receptionist-slash-midwife for back up and Dell nods his boyish blond head sagely. _Naturally_.

"Of course," Charlotte agrees. But then her brain catches up with her mouth. "Wait. What do you mean 'of course'? Are you suggesting that of course I'm not sexually attractive? What am I, chopped liver?"

"Chopped liver?" He looks at Dell, but the kid is going to be no help whatsoever from here on in. "What? No, that's not what I –"

"I'll have you know that plenty of men find and _have found_ me attractive, sexually, thank you."

Cooper raises his hands in surrender. That's a little too much information, but since she volunteered it, he'll work with it. "Okay, so that's all I'm really trying to say, right: you're nice-looking."

"_Nice_-looking?" Charlotte is starting to lose her shit. She could not think of a more unoriginal, uncomplimentary descriptor.

"But, see, when you get like this you're not really a very nice person."

"I am nice! I'm a perfectly _nice_ person. You'd see that side of me if you and your colleagues weren't such insufferable jackasses."

Insufferable? Well, sometimes. But jackasses? "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You're abrasive. You're a –" He waves his not-so-magic, five-dollar wand at her, searching his vocabulary for an insult to repay her with – "a Meanie McMeanpants."

"Don't wave that thing at me." Charlotte grabs the toy out of his hand and attempts to snap it in half, but the plastic won't give. In the end she has to settle for bending it out of shape, which just makes her look and feel foolish. "And that's not the only thing I'll break – bend – if you're not careful."

_Ow,_ Dell mouths.

Cooper looks taken aback and crosses his hands in front of him, subconsciously shielding his crotch.

Sam comes out of his office. The tension is so palpable he could cut it with a scalpel. "Dr. King?" He smiles, awkwardly, at her with the bent wand and Cooper in his costume. "What's…going on here?" And he probably doesn't want to know, but he can't help himself. It's one of those train-wreck questions people can't stop themselves from asking.

"She bent my wand," the pediatrician offers, as Charlotte drops it on the counter. "She's a wand-bender."

"O…_kay,_ I'm not even gonna ask."

"I want to talk to you about Karen Adams," Charlotte demands, and as Sam leads the St. Ambrose chief of staff down the hall, she glances back at Cooper. Something in her spinal-tap-needle-sharp gaze softens, microscopically, and Cooper tucks his chin against his chest, turning away and exhaling like he's been holding his breath.

"Meanie McMeanpants?"

"I know." Dell's reminder makes him wince. "But it's totally an insult on this cartoon the Merring girls were watching and it was all I had, so…" He picks up the mangled toy and scratches his temple with one of the pointed edges of the star. "She is kind of mean, though."

"But attractive."

Cooper nods slowly, a thoughtful frown creasing his forehead.

"But not in a way you find sexually appealing."

"No, absolutely, _totally_ not." Except, well, yeah, a little, kind of. Definitely a little bit more after Cooper recognizes Charlotte at the bar where he's supposed to meet "UCantHandleMe441".

And maybe that unfortunate coincidence isn't so unfortunate after all.


End file.
